I am pretty newly single and so of course I join a singles website. ( Don't judge!)
Anyway I get this email from this guy.....read below and feel free to judge.

Wow, I just woke up from a heroin coma.
I have been laying in this alley for weeks
and as I crawl out I see your profile up on
someones screen through the window at
Starbucks.

After a short scuffle I now have their
computer and I am writing you this as I
hear the sirens approaching.

So, I guess we have a couple of options
here. We could start an email
relationship, fall madly in love, and
maybe even get a priest to marry us in a
live chat ceremony...

Then again, maybe we could get together
for
a cup of tea and some stimulating
conversation and make friends. And then
after I can validate that you're actually
the cute gal in this picture I saw of you,
we can talk about moving into my alley
with me.

What do you think??

Cheers

Rick

So my first thought is.....does this shit really work for this guy?
My second thought is OMG what a douche bag, so of course I feel that this is the perfect place to post this! Incidentally I emailed him back asking these questions and he replied that no it does not work, but it makes people laugh! Honestly it just pissed me off because you wasted my time. GET A HOBBY, or is this your hobby?

Just sad....anyway

Nothing says "I Love You", like a pile of shit!

How did you celebrate Valentine's Day with your beloved? Flowers? Chocolate? A romantic candle-lit dinner? Or did you make a half-mile wide heart out of manure to show your wife how much you love her?
(LOL, omg seriously, would roses have been too much?)

That's what a southern Minnesota man did - creating the Valentine's Day gift for his wife of 37 years on a field in their farm. ( Nothing says I love you like a heart made out of shit, or a man who spent the day in shit thinking about nothing but you. )

Bruce Andersland told local newspaper the Alberta Lea Tribune that he started the project with his tractor and manure spreader on Wednesday last week, and finished it on Thursday. ( 2 days of shit!)



His wife, Beth, said it's the biggest and most original Valentine she has ever received.
(Beth doesn't leave the farm much)

She added that some people might think it was a rather disgusting gift - but she thinks it's cute, on the grounds that 'Why not do something fun with what you got?'
(wow, what's for dinner? Perhaps some opossum with a side of worms.....hey do something fun with what u got!)

Men: DO NOT ever give your woman shit for valentines day unless your dog ate the 2 carat diamond ring and she shit contains the ice ice baby!

Hulk SMASH

A brothel in a Nevada desert town has hired the state's first male prostitute, a muscular college dropout who abandoned a brief stint as a porn actor in Los Angeles to become the only legal gigolo in the United States. (wait til you see this guy, OMG, I wouldn't do him with your mother's dick!)

The Shady Lady Ranch successfully won state and county approval to clear the way for the "prostidude,"(LOL @ PROSTIDUDE!! can we get that title for the tranny's in TO) as Nevada's newest sex worker is already being called. After a slow first week on the job, his first appointments are scheduled for this weekend.( I heard it's been 5 days and still no takers!)

The male prostitute — known as "Markus" — has quickly become the center of attention in Nevada's brothel industry. ( That's more due to his offensice media comments....wait for it!)

He has been criticized by female counterparts for not being willing to have sex with men. And he created a dustup after telling Details magazine that his pioneering role in the sex business was "just the same" as civil rights icon Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat and move to the back of the bus during racial segregation in the U.S. South. (ahhh there it is........WOW)
Since those remarks, he has been forbidden from doing interviews.

Markus, 25, described himself as a well-read college dropout and former U.S. Marine from Alabama. He said he drove to Los Angeles to become a porn actor and left after filming two scenes, the first about a month ago. He said he ended up in a homeless shelter near Santa Monica, Calif., after being unable to find another job.

OKAY, so let's reacp......You were a Marine, a pretty good job if you can make it. You then decide that your next move would be PORN STAR, so you head to Los Angeles, where you film 2 scenes and decide, MEH, I think I am going to drive 3 hours to Nevada and hire myself out as a "prostidude". What happened to the high paying porn? Did you kill the poor girl? HULK SMASH!

My advice, go back to school or get some platic surgery so you don't look like a retard on steroids! WTF, seriously have you scene the movie The Other Sister. He looks like Giovanni Ribisi stuck an airhose up his ass and "pumped him up".


Don't worry Markus you have made it clear you are not taking anything up the ass! HATER..lol

Congrats Markus you get the Douche of the Day Award....display it proudly!

Eat a Bowl of Dick...."Pylon Guy"

Somewhere in this city someone is shooting a movie. Lucky me, I live right in the heart of it. I cannot tell you how much I love waking up in the morning to the sounds of shouts and running tractor trailers parked outside my windows. The sweet sounds of the director screaming at the night watchmen about something or other load enough that I have to open my sunroom window and give a gentle "hey you.......people lie here and on a Sunday some of us are actually sleeping at 6:00am", to which he replies sheepishly with a "Sorry lady", and then proceeds to continue his tirade.

If you have never had to experience the 3 day movie shoot, you are very lucky. The first thing they do is give you a week’s notice. They tack up a notice on your front door letting you know they are coming and that they expect to be there "x" amount of time...yadda yadda yadda.

This is never accurate. They say they will be there Monday but on Sunday you see a guy in an orange vest putting pylons where you would normally park your car. As people exit the side of the road this guy throws out pylons so you cannot park there when you return home.

I was coming home on the same Sunday after being out for the day and I parked my car where I normally would, and as I am walking down the street towards my house some guy in an orange vest jumps out of his shitbox of a car and says I cannot park there. I was like "what do you mean I cannot park here?" He proceeds to tell me that the city has issued a permit for them to park around the corner and as such he needs me to move my car out of the area I pay yearly to park in. He claims it has to do with the city bus. So I tell him that his pylons are around the block where I would normally park and that I am parking here as everyone else will later.

I started walking and he starts following me incredulous that I am actually not going to move my car because he in the "official" orange vest has asked me to do so. He says to me "Seriously? You are not going to move your car?" If you know me at all you know this is not going to go well from here on out.

So I turn around and start walking back to my car, and "pylon guy" gets this smug look on his face like "yeah that's right, I am the shit, and I’m a big deal in my orange vest" and he goes back to his car and gets back in. I deliberately wait for him to look back in his mirror; I get into my car, start it and move up one spot. I turn off my engine get out; lock my car with maybe an extra beep or two of the horn and smile. I start for home again. Pylon Guy gets out of his car and starts yelling. He's so pissed his words are coming out but they are not making sense. What I recall was "bitch" which is of course original, there may have been an f-bomb or two in there, I don't know, I was trying not to laugh a bit and walking.

A few hours later I went to get a case of water I had left in my car and "pylon guy" who also moonlights as night time security guy is perched on his chair outside the newly arrived trailers. I cannot help but notice that all my neighbours have parked exactly where I am parked and the grin is ear to ear with "I told you so, on the tip of the tongue." I don't say it; I simply tip my head and say "Hey Pylon Guy.....nice job with the pylons!" I know I heard a Fuck You at that point, but it was worth it.

So to all the "Pylon Guys" out there I say.......Bonne appetite!